I don't usually use my blog to express my feelings, but I thought I would share a light bulb moment I had this weekend. I took Max to a birthday party yesterday and was very thankful that he was atypical when we left. We usually dread and have a lot of anxiety about parties. All of us
For years, I have felt we pull back a layer on the onion and reveal another diagnosis or barrier to work through. I am all for knowing what you are working with and believe in "it is what it is". It was so hard for me to hear the word Aspergers for Max this fall. I cried for days. In fact, I could cry typing this post. I went to a party this Fall, which should be fun, and saw him twirling with a light in a field by himself and thought to myself "he has autism, how did I miss this and how did we get here". I have worked in the field of Special Education for 12 years and have a Masters degree. I ended up being counseled by the host and hostess of the party, where one is a counselor and one is my former supervisor. I am so embarrassed by my behavior at their party (visualize crying fool), and I hope that doesn't ruin the tradition of being invited and attending their annual Halloween party. Truly, I am sorry for letting go on a night of fun. I don't usually let go, and I think it was healthy. However, I wish it had happened a different night.
I digressed~ this weekend was a party at Putt Putt. Sensory overload=yes. Too many children per adults=yes (can you imagine 20+ BOYS and 5 parents??? No, me either). No one in control= yes (I think the Putt Putt girl was scared by the 20+ boys, I know I was). It was "Lord of the Flies" to the fullest extent!!! At one point, the boys weren't entertained and they started screaming (lead by the tallest and largest boy- note Lord of the Flies) "We want ice cream" in a large demanding voice and Max joined in and looked at me. I shook my head "no". And he
Then the herd of boys sat around the birthday boy to watch him open his presents. They got closer and closer with each present. Visualize lions fighting for the kill. It was interesting! They also became increasingly louder. It was horrible! Boys yelling about what they had and wanted. It was NOT about the birthday boy, it was about them. My son left the group to come get a hug from me, and he wanted to stand by me. One of the mom's next to me asked him if the dog-pile was too much for him, and he said "yes". Thank you GOD! It was too much for me as well. Maybe he does have something from me? The mom I had connected with (which is very rare) also had her son coming to her for affection. Max stayed with me for the remaining presents. I was so glad and proud of our bond and attachment. As an adoptive mom (for children older than infancy) I often wonder and evaluate our relationship. I can't imagine that birth mothers EVER have this thought b/c I imagine you always see the child as an extension of yourself or husband. Not me. I very seldom see myself. Let me state- I very seldom see myself in my children.
This party was a moment where I looked out at a large group of children doing the same behavior and thought to myself "Thank you God! You knew I would not want this". I came home and told Ben about the stressful event, and that is the moment it hit me. It's okay to have a child that is different. It is hard a lot of the time! They may not get invited to many or any parties. They may not have a lot of friends. But, the friends they have are Quality friends~ Thank you God for allowing me to realize that life is full of challenges and rewards!!!